It has been suggested that I may be a wee bit obsessed with the motorized stairs. Well who can blame me? I mean, who doesn’t love the stairs truck?  Wait… you don’t?  WHAT???  How is that possible? Mobile stairs are CLEARLY a marvel of engineering and usefulness!  Allow me to spread a little mobile stairs love by sharing some of the things that make it awesome.

The Beginning

I figured the best place to start would be to do a little research into the history of the stairs truck, so I went to a source that is above reproach, renowned for its solid, unbiased facts… OK, fine – actually, I went to Wikipedia. I thought some crazed stairs fan… I mean some learned historian would have taken the time to document the beginnings of such an important vehicle.  Wrong!  The only mention of the mobile stairs that I could find was a couple of sentences buried in the middle of an article about airport equipment. The stupid baggage tug gets higher billing! Heck, jet bridges get their own damn article! It’s appalling! I tried using a variety of search terms – mobile stairs, motorized stairs, stairs truck. Nothing! That’s does it – Wikipedia, you are dead to me!

Google Fail

Swallowing my disappointment, I turned instead to the mighty Google. Surely it will be filled with information about the storied past of the stairs truck! Sadly, no. I thought I was on to something when I came across AviationPro’s article on the history of ground support equipment, but they focus more on tugs and jet bridges than stairs. (Tugs and jet bridges again! I see tugs and jet bridges around all day and I’m telling you, they just aren’t that exciting!) After a bit more digging I was forced to conclude that the history of the mobile stairs is either lost to the sands of time or buried so far in the depths of Google that it will never see the light of day.

Historical reenactment

Since Wikipedia and Google were no help and I’m feeling too lazy to do any real research, the following is a representation of how I think the invention of the mobile stairs went down. The setting is an Old Timey Airport many years ago. I picture Robert Duvall in the role of the Airplane Builder and Leonardo DiCaprio as the intrepid ramp agent.

Ye Olde Ramper: Wow! Nice plane!

Ye Olde Airplane Builder: Thanks! It is bigger and better than previous models and can carry more passengers. I didn’t bother with stairs though – they are heavy and annoying.  You’ll have to figure out some way of getting the passengers on and off.

Ye Olde Ramper: Like hauling a heavy, awkward ladder around? I don’t think so!  Hey, I have an idea – I’ll build a set of stairs onto the back of that old truck!

Um… OK, so maybe the history of the mobile stairs isn’t that exciting.  Then again, who would have thought that so much greatness would spring from such humble beginnings?

Still Not Convinced?

I know some of you are thinking – OK, whatever. It’s just a truck with stairs on the back. What’s the big deal? Well to start with, the mobile stairs have the most unique look of all airport vehicles. No one can confuse the stairs with any other equipment. (Compare that to tugs which all look alike.) Secondly, motorized stairs are CLEARLY the most useful of all vehicles. Don’t believe me? Allow me to present the following list of totally cool things you can do with mobile stairs:

– Attending an outdoor concert? Roll up in the motorized stairs and you’ll have the best seat in the house. Plus you can make some extra money by selling space on the lower steps.

– Love apple picking but hate having to fight crowds of people all going after the same apples on the lower branches? Drive up in a stairs truck you’ll be King/Queen of the orchard!

– Stuck on the second floor? Park the stairs truck near a window and you’ve got a handy escape plan. Is work stressful? Class boring? Spouse nagging? Just open the window and you’re outta there!

– Speaking of that nagging spouse, if he/she is smart enough to nail the windows shut to prevent your escape, never fear – the stairs truck will make all those outdoor chores (painting, window washing, gutter repair) a breeze!

– Is the darn cat stuck in a tree again? You know if you try to climb up after it, the cat will only climb higher. The solution? Park the stairs truck near one of the lower branches and let the cat come down on its own. Just remember to tell the cat that under no circumstances is it to use the stairs. If you expressly forbid kitty from touching the stairs, it’ll make a beeline for them right away. Trust me on this.

Need More?

Perhaps these videos can convince you!

Motorized stairs, vs. stairs being pulled by a tug. One is CLEARLY superior.

I know what you’re thinking but I SWEAR I am not the airport employee referenced in this video.

But Wait, There’s Even More!

You’re probably starting to realize, however reluctantly, that the mobile stairs are more cool than you thought. Well hang on to your hats – a friend on twitter recently brought to my attention this picture of a mobile stairs BUS! I have no idea of it is real or not but who cares! Two words: Mind. Blown!!!

It’s no secret that I’m a big fan of airport vehicles.  No, I don’t love them as much as I love airplanes, but let’s face it – without airport vehicles, most airplanes wouldn’t be going anywhere. Ever try to push a 737 away from the gate with your bare hands?  Yeah, not happening.  So here is my totally biased and completely non-comprehensive look at the world of airport vehicles.

With each vehicle I’ve included a “Rave Score”  which indicates my level of enthusiasm (from 1-5 where 1 = it’s OK and 5 = AWESOMESAUCE) and also a “Fear Factor” which indicates how afraid you should be if I ever get my hands on one ( from 1-5 where 1 =  no worries and 5 = RUN FOR YOUR LIFE).

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BAGGAGE TUG

Probably one of the most numerous vehicles at the airport, baggage tugs are the trusty little workhorses that tow the luggage carts around.

Rave Score: 2 – Sorry, they just aren’t that glamorous.

Fear Factor: 3.5 –  Although not especially exciting as far as vehicles go, I’m fairly certain I could cause a decent amount of mayhem in one.

AIRPLANE TUG

Haul luggage? No way! That’s for sissies.  This bad boy moves the IMPORTANT equipment, namely, airplanes.

Rave Score: 3.5 – Important? Yes, but not especially exciting.

Fear Factor: 1 – Given that there’s pretty much no chance of me ever figuring out which hitch to use (I’m told every airplane uses a different type) let alone being able to actually attach it to the tug AND hook it up to the plane, there is nothing to fear here.  That said, if someone else were to take care of the technical details and put me into the driver seat once everything is ready to go… well THAT would be a different story. Then we’d be looking at a Fear Factor very close to 5.  Can you imagine the look of horror on the faces of the pilots as it begins to dawn on them who the tug driver is? (Captain: Hey, that tug driver looks familiar…  First Officer: Oh NO! It’s that woman with the blog!)

SNOW PLOW

Definitely one of the heavy hitters of the airport, the snow plow is an impressive vehicle.  While it looks quite large when seen from a distance, I assure you it is positively gargantuan when you view it up close. Probably the only thing more impressive than the snow plow is a whole convoy of them coming at you at once!

Rave Score: 4 – It’s big, it’s loud, it prowls the runways – what more needs to be said?

Fear Factor: 4 – You really don’t want me driving a snow plow – it would just be all kinds of ugly.

BROOM TRUCK

It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it. Unlike the snow plow which gets the summer off, this vehicle is hard at work year-round.  In the winter it goes in behind the plow and clears off the thin layer of snow that the blade leaves behind.  In the summer it removes the rubber build-up and other debris from the runways.

Rave Score: 4.5 – Like the snow plow, this vehicle is near the top of the airport vehicle food chain.  Unfortunately, I can’t give it a 5 because it’s always obscured under a cloud of dirt and/or snow which makes it a vehicle only Pig Pen could truly love.

Fear Factor: 4.5 – This gets a slightly higher fear factor than the plow, if only because it offers me the opportunity to wreak havoc all year long.

EMERGENCY VEHICLES

For the sake of brevity, I’m going to lump the ARFF (Airplane Rescue and Fire Fighting) and police vehicles together into one group. This would include fire trucks, police cars, ambulances, pick-up trucks and other support vehicles.  Although they are quite different in style, all of them have sirens, flashing lights and clearance to go racing off to where ever they might be needed.

Rave Score: 3.5 – Sure, the fire truck and police car are pretty impressive, but when you counter them against the lowly pick-up truck I think the group averages out around a 3. I’m giving them an extra half point because did I mention they have sirens?

Fear Factor: 4.5 – I don’t think I need to detail all the ways I could get into trouble with these vehicles. Besides, the emergency personnel know where my office is.

POOL VEHICLES

The Pool Cars are run-of-the-mill Chevy sport utility vehicles used by airport authority employees to travel to various buildings on the airfield as well as to the other airports in our jurisdiction. The only reason I’m including them on this list is because I actually HAVE driven them.

Rave Score: 1 – *yawn*

Fear Factor: 1 – Nothing to see here, move along.

DE-ICING RIG

The de-icing rigs are large trucks which drive around the de-icing pads in order to spray de-icing chemicals on the airplanes to… you guessed it de-ice them!

Rave Score: 5 – While this sounds like it might be tedious, it actually looks cool as hell!

Fear Factor: 5 – Whether you put me in the driver’s seat or in the de-icing bucket, there is no way I’m not going to cause all kinds of chaos.  If you put me in the de-icing bucket and my friend Louise behind the wheel then trust me, ice on the airplanes will be the very least of anyone’s worries.

 MOTORIZED STAIRS

They come in a variety of styles, all of which are completely awesome. One thing is for sure – there is no mistaking the motorized stairs. They’re stairs. They can be driven around.  Read those last two sentences again.

Rave Score: 6 – Did you read those two sentences above again like I asked you to? In case you didn’t: THEY’RE STAIRS AND YOU CAN DRIVE THEM AROUND!!!!

Fear Factor: 6 – You may recall an earlier post titled “Airport Jobs I Wish I Had” in which I first professed my love for the mobile stairs and wondered whether my airport actually had any (up until then I hadn’t seen any around). Shortly after that post was published someone parked a set of motorized stairs outside my department window. Whoever decided to taunt me in this way also parked a police car next to them.  This was a very wise precaution for if I ever get my hands on the motorized stairs, someone will have to leap aboard and pry me from the driver’s seat because that’s the only way you’ll ever get me out.

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Now some of you are thinking, “Hey – what about the fuel truck, shuttle, lawn mower, catering truck, etc.?” I TOLD you in the first paragraph that this is a completely non-comprehensive list.  However, there is one last airport vehicle I feel compelled to mention. I cannot rate it because it is a fairly new creation and the airport doesn’t have any yet. But we’ve got two on order and I cannot wait until they arrive!  Ladies and gentleman, behold – The Monster Hybrid Snow Plow and Broom!  Three words: Oh. Hell. Yes.

It’s that time of year when an avgeek’s thoughts turn to airshow season. And you really can’t talk about air shows without talking about EAA Airventure which, as everyone knows, is so much more than just an airshow. I made the pilgrimage to Oshkosh for the first time last year and loved every minute of it. As I begin planning a return trip to Osh this summer, I thought it would be fun to take a look back and share my first impressions from Osh 2014.

Thelma and Louise

My traveling companion for last year’s trip was my friend Dianna. (She’s Louise. I’m Thelma.) We’ve been road-tripping together for over ten years now.  Some of our past (mis)adventures include:

– Taking an exit ramp on two wheels. In a Durango.

– Hanging out with Jack Roush (which is quite a story – look for a future post).

– Successfully driving through a drive thru backwards. (Don’t ask.)

– Hanging out at a bar with Robby Gordon and his girlfriend.

– Ending up in a variety of restricted or closed areas we’re not supposed to be in, usually completely unintentionally. Usually.

It should be noted that Dianna is not an avgeek – she agreed to come along to Osh because we always manage to have fun and adventures wherever we go. And what’s Thelma without Louise? I couldn’t imagine making my first trip to Oshkosh without her!

The Drive

I had to work Monday through Thursday of Osh week, so we hit the road Thursday night and stayed at a hotel about half-way.  We left the hotel early Friday morning and decided we’d drive through Chicago on the way to Osh, just for the hell of it.  Yeah, that’s how we roll.  Or actually in this case, didn’t roll – the traffic in Chicago was awful.  Still, I don’t regret it – it had been years since I’d been to Chicago and Dianna had never been. This year, however, we’ll be steering clear.  Except I’m tempted to stop by ORD on the way home just because it’s ORD. But I digress…

Arriving at Osh

We started seeing the airplanes about 30 miles outside of Osh, at which point I immediately began freaking out.  Thankfully Louise stayed calm which allowed us to actually make it to Osh without ending up in a ditch (but just barely). My first impression upon seeing the grounds was something along the lines of OMG-LOOK-AT-THIS-PLACE-ITS-HUGE-AND-LOOK-AT-ALL-THE-AIRPLANES-HOLY-COW-THE-AIR-SHOW-HAS-STARTED-WOW-I-CANT-BELIEVE-IT-I-AM-SO-EXCITED! Because we arrived late in the afternoon, we ended up parking rather far away.  I have to give a HUGE shout-out to EAA and all the volunteers because we didn’t have any trouble at all getting our wrist bands or finding the right shuttle – and that’s saying a lot because by then I had more or less completely lost my mind.

Through the Gates

The first thing I saw upon entering the grounds was the Citation display – some of my very favorite business jets! From that moment on I was 100% completely in love with Airventure.  The rest of Friday was a blur. We watched the airshow, checked out some displays and spent time just generally getting our bearings.  After dinner we made our way over to the vintage planes for a while and then we joined in the honor flight festivities. Needless to say, it was pretty late by the time we finally made our way to the hotel.  In fact the manager was about to give up on us. Good thing he didn’t! I would have hated to add “breaking into a hotel” to our list of misadventures.

Day Two

I bounced out of bed bright and early, eager to get back to Oshkosh.  Louise needed a bit more prompting. She’s not an avgeek, remember?  But she is a tremendous good sport and we arrived back at Airventure mid-morning.  We had outlined a basic game plan for the day. First off we wanted to find the war birds.  And secondly we wanted to attend a welding class. Yes, you read that correctly – a welding class.

War Birds

From the moment we arrived at Airventure on Saturday we were determined to head straight to the war bird area. But then we decided we really had to stop by and see how the One Week Wonder was coming along first. And we had seen some items the day before that we wanted to purchase so we spent a little time in the vendor area. Next thing we knew, several hours had passed and we hadn’t gotten anywhere near the war birds.  Doh!  We resolved to double our efforts! But we couldn’t do it on empty stomachs so we stopped to eat. And we had to visit the college area where the schools were handing out information about their aviation programs (O-H!!! I-O!!!). And then there was just a little more shopping to do. (How on earth does anyone visit Airventure for just a day???) At long last we finally got to see the war birds and they were every bit as awesome as expected.

Welding Class

I could have spent the rest of the day checking out the vintage war planes but before we knew it, it was time for welding class.  So we reluctantly said goodbye and headed over to the workshop plaza.  Unsurprisingly, we were late.  Oops!  Fortunately the good folks at Lincoln Electric didn’t seem to mind.  We found seats in the back and dutifully reviewed our packets of material.  The most important thing I learned in welding class is… well OK, I was on complete airplane overload at that point and I don’t remember a darn thing about welding class other than the fact that we attended.  And they gave Louise this really cool bag.

Air Show… Times Two

After welding class we settled in for the afternoon air show.  Amazing planes, aerobatics, an Osprey and the Thunderbirds – it doesn’t get any better than that!  Well, how about a night time air show?  Oh hell yeah! Once it got dark we donned our flashing pirate necklaces (because who goes to a night time air show without a flashing pirate necklace?) and waited excitedly for the action to begin. I had never seen an air show at night before and had no idea what to expect. I think the experience can be summed up in three words: A. MAZ. ING!!! It combined all the awesomeness of the day show with fireworks and explosions. Enough said.

Osh 2015

We made the long drive back home on Sunday.  I arrived at my house Sunday night totally exhausted… and completely ready to do it all again! I knew right away that a return trip to Osh was in order – after all, we never got to see the home built or ultralight planes, never made it to the seaplane area, didn’t get to attend Oshbash, failed to visit Camp Bacon… the list goes on and on.  This year the plan is to arrive earlier in the week, stay longer and try to see and do things we missed last year.  And yes, Louise is definitely in.  Hope to see you there!

Let me just say right from the start that Flight Attendants have a difficult and often thankless job and I fully and freely admit I am not capable of handling it.  Seriously.  They juggle a million responsibilities, not the least of which involves dealing with PEOPLE in cramped spaces often for extended periods of time. They are responsible for cabin safety, are expected to take the lead in an emergency, must communicate efficiently and effectively with the flight crew and always remain calm.  They deal with luggage, answer a million questions, handle a myriad of issues, diagnose illnesses, and deal with drunks. Oh, and they serve beverages. And fetch pillows and blankets. And somehow they manage to keep smiling.  Yeah, I’m totally not worthy.  And here’s just a few of the reasons why:

1. It would take all the alcohol on board for me to be able to cope.

2. Actually, all the alcohol on board wouldn’t be nearly enough.

3. Kicking obnoxious passengers off the plane at 35,000 feet is apparently frowned upon.

4. I’ve never smoked a day in my life, but this would still be me:

5. I’d be too busy geeking out at all the other airplanes to do my job properly.

6. “Ooooh – so THIS is what the cockpit looks like! Hey… what’s that button do? What about that one? And that one? And that one?  And…”

7. Many flight attendant uniforms seem to involve scarves. I suck at scarves.

8. Sit down!  The seatbelt sign is ON!

9. I can’t carry a glass of water three steps across a stationary kitchen floor without spilling.

10. I’d be so incredibly tempted to deploy the emergency slide for non-emergency situations – like to get to the margarita bar faster.

11. I’m pretty sure my PA announcements would be highly inappropriate.

12. Total Bastard Airlines is the only airline that would hire me.