1. It would take all the alcohol on board for me to be able to cope.
2. Actually, all the alcohol on board wouldn’t be nearly enough.
3. Kicking obnoxious passengers off the plane at 35,000 feet is apparently frowned upon.
4. I’ve never smoked a day in my life, but this would still be me:
5. I’d be too busy geeking out at all the other airplanes to do my job properly.
6. “Ooooh – so THIS is what the cockpit looks like! Hey… what’s that button do? What about that one? And that one? And that one? And…”
7. Many flight attendant uniforms seem to involve scarves. I suck at scarves.
8. Sit down! The seatbelt sign is ON!
9. I can’t carry a glass of water three steps across a stationary kitchen floor without spilling.
10. I’d be so incredibly tempted to deploy the emergency slide for non-emergency situations – like to get to the margarita bar faster.
11. I’m pretty sure my PA announcements would be highly inappropriate.
12. Total Bastard Airlines is the only airline that would hire me.