Why I’d Make a Lousy Flight Attendant

By calflier001 [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Photo by calflier001 [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Let me just say right from the start that Flight Attendants have a difficult and often thankless job and I fully and freely admit I am not capable of handling it.  Seriously.  They juggle a million responsibilities, not the least of which involves dealing with PEOPLE in cramped spaces often for extended periods of time. They are responsible for cabin safety, are expected to take the lead in an emergency, must communicate efficiently and effectively with the flight crew and always remain calm.  They deal with luggage, answer a million questions, handle a myriad of issues, diagnose illnesses, and deal with drunks. Oh, and they serve beverages. And fetch pillows and blankets. And somehow they manage to keep smiling.  Yeah, I’m totally not worthy.  And here’s just a few of the reasons why:

1. It would take all the alcohol on board for me to be able to cope.

2. Actually, all the alcohol on board wouldn’t be nearly enough.

3. Kicking obnoxious passengers off the plane at 35,000 feet is apparently frowned upon.

4. I’ve never smoked a day in my life, but this would still be me:

5. I’d be too busy geeking out at all the other airplanes to do my job properly.

6. “Ooooh – so THIS is what the cockpit looks like! Hey… what’s that button do? What about that one? And that one? And that one?  And…”

7. Many flight attendant uniforms seem to involve scarves. I suck at scarves.

8. Sit down!  The seatbelt sign is ON!

9. I can’t carry a glass of water three steps across a stationary kitchen floor without spilling.

10. I’d be so incredibly tempted to deploy the emergency slide for non-emergency situations – like to get to the margarita bar faster.

11. I’m pretty sure my PA announcements would be highly inappropriate.

12. Total Bastard Airlines is the only airline that would hire me.