If you’ve been following this blog, or if you follow me on twitter, then you know my current airport job isn’t especially exciting – I spend my time shuffling invoices, trying to make sure the bills get paid.  The highlight of my day (aside from lunch) is walking to my desk, which involves traversing a long hallway with floor to ceiling windows that looks out at gates B19 and B21 as well as at the runway beyond.  The rest of my day, unfortunately, is not so fun. But what if I could have ANY airport job? Even better, what if I could zero in on a specific portion of an airport job that looks like it would be really cool? In no particular order, here’s my list:

Able to direct planes and defend the Republic.

Marshaller

You get to play with mini light sabers AND direct airplanes?  Count me in!  OK, I get that marshallers typically also have all kinds of other responsibilities as well – like loading and unloading baggage, cleaning and preparing the airplanes, etc.  However, if I could be JUST a marshaller, how awesome would that be? Well, awesome for ME anyway.  It’s questionable whether it would be at all awesome for the poor pilots who’d be stuck trying to follow my directions.  Captain: “What the heck is she doing?” First Officer: “It looks like she’s in the middle of a light saber battle.”

Jet Bridge Operator

I’m not sure why, but I’ve always thought it would be entertaining to operate the jet bridge.  For this reason alone it’s probably a good thing I’m not allowed anywhere near the controls.  Still, I’d like to give it a try, just once.

Fuel Truck Driver

No, I don’t want to be responsible for actually fueling airplanes – there are just too many ways that could go horribly wrong.  However, I think it would be a lot of fun to spend my day driving around on the apron. And since everyone needs the fuel truck, I’d be pretty popular.

Snowplow Driver

The snowplow offers less fire danger than the fuel truck, but more runway action!  Have you ever seen snowplows clear a runway?  It’s actually really cool to watch! They typically work in a group so they can move a lot of snow all at once.  If it has been a very snowy day, you can’t even see the plows as they’re working – they look like giant poof-balls of snow moving around on the runway.  Being part of a snowplow armada looks like it would be quite entertaining. I’m pretty sure I would totally love it.  I’m also sure the airfield people are busy putting extra locks on the snowplows right now.

A hawk hangs out on the fence near the employee lot.

Bird Cannon Technician

In my two months on the job I’ve only heard the bird cannon once.  I’m not sure how much good it really did since the birds in question merely flew on over to the other runway.  However, it was really loud and therefore also really awesome.  Of course, I’d be extremely tempted to fire off the bird cannon for non-bird-related reasons… like just to make sure it still works.  Or because it’s lunch time.

Airplane De-icer/Anti-icer

The contraption that sprays the de-ice/anti-ice solutions on the airplanes reminds me of something out of star wars.  I think it would be quite entertaining to sit in there and spend my days spraying down planes. Ooops – I think I missed a spot.  Yeah, I better spray down that portion again. Let’s get the wings just one more time.  Oh look – they’re sending someone out to stop me.  Time for me to hop into the fuel truck and make a quick get away!

That’s a lot of windows to wash!

ATC Tower INSIDE window washer

I think every avgeek has a secret (or maybe not-so-secret) desire to spend time in the tower.  Who wouldn’t want a spectacular view of the airport, the runways and all the goings-on? Hence my desire to be an inside window washer – I’d get all the awesome views with none of the awesome responsibility that the air traffic controllers have.  Please note my emphasis on INSIDE.  No way in hell I’d want to try to clean the windows on the outside.  Have you seen how high up they are?  No thank you!

Stairs Driver

To be honest, I don’t know if my airport actually has motorized stairs.  I suppose they might – after all I see airplanes parked out on the apron all the time and they must have some method of getting the crew out. However, I have yet to actually see any motorized stairs.  If they have them, though, I really want to try driving them around.  I promise I wouldn’t use them to sneak onto any airplanes.  Well, not often, anyway.

Want to see the stairs in action?  Check out this video from Top Gear BBC in which various airport vehicles race each other to determine which is the fastest.

New Year’s Day marked my first full month at the airport.  Where has the time gone?  Seems like just yesterday I was navigating my way through the terminal, wide-eyed with excitement. The job itself has been… a job. Hey, it’s accounting. There’s just no way to make it sound glamorous. Thankfully, the firsts that stand out the most have nothing to do with the job and everything to do with being an avgeek at the airport.  Here are some of my favorite firsts so far:

They may steal cars, but not rental cars and definitely not from the airport.

Security Training

All new employees have to go through a certain amount of security training. I know it sounds exciting… but it’s not. However, we did learn a few interesting facts from the Airport Police.  The most stolen item at the airport? Cars.  Apparently people like to rent cars and not return them. Go figure. The most left-behind item found at the airport?  Car keys.  The officer who conducted our training wondered how on earth people manage to get home considering how many keys get left behind. (Perhaps this is why people are stealing the rental cars?)  The most bone-headed move that ended in jail time? A passenger called, said he was running late and asked that they hold the airplane for him.  Of course he was told that wasn’t possible and he’d have to re-book when he arrived.  His response? “Well what if I told you there was a bomb on the plane?  Would you hold it then?” Dunno if they held the plane, but they sure held the passenger when he finally showed up!

Look – there’s birds! Let’s go get the birds! Come on – let’s go get ’em! Oh, never mind.

Bird Cannon

I’d read that birds at the airport are most often a problem in the mornings and evenings.  It probably should have come as less of a surprise then, when my morning routine of coffee and plane spotting was interrupted by an extremely loud explosion.  I was puzzled for a moment, until I saw a flock of birds frantically flying away… straight towards the other runway.  Doh!  This is why the airport needs to hire my dogs.  They can work together – one for each runway. Plus they work cheap and are less noisy than the cannon (but only slightly).

Southwest going around on a blustery winter day.

Go Around

I got to witness my first go-around on a rainy, gloomy evening after work.  I had just arrived in the lot and actually wasn’t watching the approach, as I was busy putting my stuff in the car.  But then I heard engines throttle up in a place and a way that caught my attention because it was unusual.  I looked up just in time to see a Southwest flight going around pretty much right over my head.  Awesome!  And being the good avgeek that I am, I stuck around to see their second approach and successful landing.

The Baggage Sorting Area

Am I the only one who has ever been tempted to ride around on the baggage carousel?  Fortunately I’ve managed to resist that temptation… so far.  It helps that I have had the chance to actually see where all the luggage goes.  As you might expect it goes into a very large area filled with belts and conveyors. This area opens to the outside where the bags are loaded into the carts and taken to and from the airplanes.  And no, I didn’t see Bruce Willis, but that could be because he was busy pestering the ATC folks over in the tower.

Look! An airplane! And a firetruck! And a dumpster. And a pole. OK, not the best pic ever.

On the Apron

Day six on the job and I was sitting in a meeting when the fire alarm went off.  We evacuated the building through a series of hallways and staircases until we emerged outside. It was cold and most people were milling about, speculating on the cause of the fire.  I, on the other hand, was thrilled to find myself standing on the apron.  There was nothing but open space separating me from the airplanes!  Wheeeee!  So of course I took lots of pictures, completely unconcerned about whether the airport was burning down behind me.  (It wasn’t.  There was a small grease fire at Burger King that was quickly extinguished.)

Not much going on at Gate B23 today… although apparently on Sunday it was a happening place!

Concourse B

It took a few weeks but I finally found the employee-only entrance to Concourse B.  I was thrilled because there are some great views of the taxiways and the runways back by the gates. I enjoy walking through the concourse on my lunch break. Plus Starbucks is back there – hallelujah!!!  Still haven’t figured out how to get into Concourses A and C yet, but I’m sure I will eventually.  I heard a rumor it involves walking around on the apron. Sweet!

It’s Not What You Think

Those of you who know me reasonably well might have seen  the title of this post and had a momentary panic attack.  Let me put your mind at ease – I am not now, nor have I ever been, an Air Traffic Controller. I have a tremendous amount of respect for the ATC folks and all that they do.  I love my LiveATC app and routinely listen to the controllers at ORD, LAX and JFK. The number of airplanes they manage and the calm, efficient way in which they do it never ceases to amaze me.  But the idea of me as a controller?  Scary thought!  Little do you know just how scary!  Let’s just say that there’s a very good reason why I never pursued a career in ATC.

A REALLY long time ago…

I attended a small HS in eastern Pennsylvania.  At that time the home computer was just starting to really become commonplace. To make sure we’d be prepared for it, all students were required to complete a “computer class.” This might sound really cutting edge, except that we didn’t learn programming. In fact, we didn’t really learn anything at all. Instead we spent our time playing a variety of computer games and simulations. One of the programs we were required to complete was an ATC simulation.

Before you get too impressed let me remind you that the simulations available on home computers at the time were pretty archaic. Plus we were using the easiest setting on the game.  We only had to deal with one type of aircraft. Weather was only marginally a factor – there was no rain, snow, lightning, or any wind beyond a gentle, manageable breeze which would sometimes change directions.  There was no speaking – all commands were typed in – and each plane immediately did as commanded. This means there were also no garbled communications, no misunderstandings, no requests for a different runway and no in-flight emergencies.

What’s our vector, Victor? Roger, Roger!

In the simulation I was set up as a tower controller and was responsible for traffic crossing through the airspace, all planes on the runways, coordinating landings, etc. So I set to work, busily typing in commands and nodding with satisfaction as planes changed altitudes and directions as instructed. After a bit I reached the end of the simulation and I have to admit I was feeling pretty proud of myself. I’d managed to get all the planes where they needed to be, maintaining appropriate levels of separation, no near-collisions or runway incursions, etc.

What the…!!!

Just then, a plane sitting near one of the gates appeared to burst into flames. Then another. Then another. The next thing I knew there were planes “on fire” all around the airport. So I did what any reasonable person would do – I started freaking out.  The teacher noticed the commotion and came to peer over my shoulder. Then he calmly explained that what I mistook for fire was actually the “out-of-fuel” symbol. Why the “out-of-fuel” symbol should look suspiciously like flames is beyond me. Perhaps it was designed that way to catch players’ attention.  It certainly caught mine! As it turned out, the reason there were planes “on fire” all over the airport is that while I’d done a great job of moving planes through the airspace and bringing them in to land… I’d neglected to have even a single plane take off! DOH!!!!!!!

In case you were wondering…

Needless to say, after this experience I crossed Air Traffic Controller off my list of potential occupations. I also nixed “Nuclear Power Plant Technician” after setting a new school record for fastest nuclear meltdown in the power plant simulator.  And in case you were wondering, yes there was a flight simulator too.  I won’t go into detail about what happened, but let’s just say there are also really good reasons why I’m not an airline pilot!