If you have followed this blog for any length of time then you know that there are certain things at the airport I shouldn’t be given access to. The ATC tower, for example. If I could go up there whenever I wanted then I’d show up unannounced, commandeer a desk and refuse to leave. Some of my coworkers have clearly caught on, which is why the stairs trucks continue to be off-limits. But there are some co-workers who remain blissfully unaware.

A few months back there was a notice in the weekly staff email that the Customer Service Department was looking for volunteers to help them re-record the airport public announcements. You know the ones – they remind you not to leave bags unattended and to have your ID ready before you get to the checkpoint. We’ve had the same PAs for a very long time so the decision was made to refresh them.

I considered signing up. I mean come on – who doesn’t want to record airport PAs? I’ve been secretly plotting to access the system and page Captain Oveur for years. (And if you don’t recognize the reference then you haven’t seen the movie Airplane!, in which case we can’t be friends.) Unfortunately my job has been ridiculously busy and I completely forgot all about this golden opportunity until well past the deadline.

Then a couple weeks ago the fire alarm went off. This is not an unusual occurence – sometimes little kids escape from their parents and pull the alarm, sometimes one of the restaraunts burns someone’s lunch and sets off the smoke sensors. Any time the alarm goes off we are required to leave the office and stand out on the ramp near the tug drive. My coworkers congregated in groups. I hid myself around the corner where I could avoid small talk and watch airplanes.

But then I saw the Customer Service Manager waking my way. She said hello and asked how I was. Then she asked if I would be interested in recording some of the airport PAs. They had gotten several volunteers, but she was hoping to get someone from accounting. Of course I agreed to help out. I mean, we can’t let the accounting department go unrepresented, now can we!

The next day I got an email with a copy of the annoucements and a request to select a time slot to do the recording. I selected one of the last slots available. I then reviewed the verbiage I’d be required to read. *Yawn* Airport announcements are pretty darn boring. There has got to be a better way to remind people about all the things they should probably already know. “Yo! Listen up people! Keep an eye on your bags. Don’t take guns through the checkpoint. Find your ID. And for the love of God find your kids so they don’t pull the damn fire alarm again.”

One week later I showed up at my appointed time with a print-out of the announcements in hand. The Customer Service Manager was there. So was a tech who was in charge of the recording. They sat me in front of a microphone and explained that when I was ready the tech would start the recording, wait two seconds to capture the background noise, then he’d point at me to begin speaking. We would go through the announcements in order, beginning with the one about unattended bags and ending with the one about curbside lanes.

Things went pretty smoothly. The tech pointed, I read and we made small talk between takes until the tech was ready for me to read the next one. We worked our way through the list until we got to the last one. The curbside annoucement is supposed to be about lanes being restricted and unattended vehicles being towed. But I didn’t read it. Oh no. I was not about to pass up an opportunity to make the announcement I’ve waited my whole career to make. I took a breath, waited for my cue, leaned in to the microphone and said:

“The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone.”

I watched the Customer Service Manager out of the corner of my eye as I was speaking. She looked confused. She checked the paper with the announcements. Then a look of recognition dawned and she began to laugh. Then the tech began to laugh. And by the end, I was also laughing. Bucket list item – complete!

Of course, I had to go back and record the actual curbside announcement. However, the decision was made to save the white zone announcement too, although I’m not sure what they plan to do with it. If you ever fly through a medium-sized midwestern airport late at night and hear an announcement about not stopping in the red zone, you aren’t imagining things. And if you need to use a courtesy phone, be sure to use a white one.