It may come as a surprise to learn that I haven’t flown commercially in nearly a decade. However, many years ago I worked for a company that required me to travel several times each year. During that time I had a couple of wacky adventures that I look back on with amusement.

Brown Paper Package

One trip involved a flight with a coworker I’ll call Jay. We weren’t scheduled to depart until later in the day, so we worked in the office that morning and planned to head to the airport in the afternoon. As we were preparing to walk out the door another coworker, Mary, appeared and handed us each a package. “Here! I made you guys care packages for the flight!”

I found myself holding a package that had been crudely wrapped in plain brown paper with the words: “DO NOT OPEN UNTIL PLANE IS IN THE AIR!” written on the top in bold, black marker. Um… What the hell? Mary was standing there, smiling from ear to ear. Not sure what else to do, Jay and I thanked her and hurried to catch our ride.

Once in the car I looked at Jay.

Me: Well, either she’s very sweet or she’s trying to get us arrested.

Jay: Did she just give us bombs?

Me: I don’t know, but I’m sure as hell not taking this to the airport, let alone onto the plane!

Jay: Me either!

Me: I suppose we should open them…

Jay: You first!

I cautiously opened my package to discover snacks, playing cards and other small trinkets. Apparently Mary had good intentions. Then again, maybe she figured the fastest way to a promotion was to get her coworkers indefinitely detained!

The Unknown Destination

In the days before 9/11 when air travel was a wee bit more relaxed, I flew to Jamaica to attend the annual company conference. In those days you could fly to most Caribbean destinations using a driver’s license for ID. However, HR insisted every attendee have a passport, which was collected from us immediately upon arrival at the conference. I figured they were using them to cross-check attendance or something.

Normally at these events we attended meetings during the day, and social events in the evening. However, as I reviewed the schedule I noticed that we had meetings Friday morning and then nothing until Saturday afternoon. This was definitely unusual.

At the conclusion of the Friday morning meetings we were gathered together, handed plane tickets and placed onto buses. An examination of the ticket revealed something strange – there was no destination! When we arrived at the airport we ran to the monitors to check our flight information. The destination for our flight listed as Dominica. But a second later the destination changed to the Turks and Caicos. Then it changed again to Cuba. It continued to display various destinations while we waited.

Finally we were called to board. The gate agents smiled knowingly and played along saying, “Have fun in Havana!” “Enjoy St. Lucia!” We walked out onto the ramp to find two Boeing 737s waiting for us. After we were seated and the cabin crew had completed the safety briefing, the Captain got on the PA. I thought we would FINALLY learn our destination. Wrong! The Captain welcomed us aboard and noted that we had great weather for our flight. He went on to say that he had no clue where we were going so he figured we’d just cruise around at 34,000 feet for a while. Doh!

I have to imagine this situation must have been pretty amusing for the crew. I mean how often do commercial pilots get to pretend like they have no idea where they are going? (Actually, don’t answer that!) The flight attendants certainly thought the whole situation was funny! Soon after the Captain’s announcement we took off and a few minutes later found ourselves cruising above the Caribbean with NO IDEA where we were going. So, where do you think we ended up? Go ahead, take a guess!

 

 

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If you guessed Panama then congratulations – you’re a winner! As we taxied to the gate it dawned on me that I didn’t have my passport. In fact, none of us had our passports. Uh-oh! Fortunately somebody  must have done some creative “negotiating” because we exited the airplanes and marched right through the terminal – no customs, no immigration, nothing.

We made our way out front where we got into open-air buses, each with a mariachi band in the back. They took us down to the canal where we boarded a party boat. We were wined and dined for several hours as we cruised up and down the canal. We returned to Jamaica in the wee hours of the morning with serious hangovers and one heck of a story to tell.

So, when will I fly commercially again? I don’t know, although I have a couple potential trips in mind. However, I’m pretty sure I will never get to jet off into the unknown again, which is why I cherish the Panama stamp in my passport. (Nope – I have no clue how it got there!)