Most of you are already familiar with ARFF (Aircraft Rescue and Fire Fighting). They’re the emergency personnel who are on call to assist any time a flight declares an emergency or if something should happen at the terminal. They can handle a variety of situations from fires to medical trauma. But what about the slightly less life-threatening emergencies that pilots and flight crews and airport employees face nearly every day? Seems to me our fleet of emergency vehicles could use a few additions.
Coffee Emergency Support Vehicle
Have you ever tried to survive a Monday without coffee? What if you had a plane full of passengers and a 7 hour flight ahead of you and the coffee machine breaks? Life threatening? Well… maybe not. Still an emergency? Hell yes! Sure, you can taxi all the way back to the gate and then walk all the way to where ever the nearest coffee shop happens to be… or you can request that this vehicle be dispatched to meet your plane on the runway.
Paranormal Response Unit
I have no idea if there’s such a thing as a haunted airplane and I have yet to encounter any ghosts in the terminal (although one of the toilets in our bathroom likes to flush all by itself when no one is in the area). However, I figure we might as well be proactive and get one of these vehicles for the airport, just in case. Besides, it looks cool. Just don’t try to sneak a proton pack through security!
Mobile Potty Rescue Truck
Let’s face it – a broken lav is no joke. Although airports are pretty good about putting bathrooms everywhere, sometimes the distance between the end of the runway and the nearest potty is just too great. That’s when you want to have this emergency vehicle standing by.
Emergency Manicure Van
OH MY GOODNESS I BROKE A NAIL!!!!! This is, of course, completely unacceptable. Even if the airport happens to have a salon on the premises (unlikely) who knows how long the wait might be. No, it is better to request that the Emergency Manicure Van be dispatched ASAP.
Mobile Shoe Replacement Vehicle
Do your passengers insist on wearing flip flops or spiky high heels? Yikes! It’s time to put a stop to that! Thanks to this sensible shoe store on wheels, the inappropriate footwear crisis can be solved quickly and easily and you don’t even have to disembark the plane!
Food Truck Brigade
Standard airline food leave something to be desired? Not thrilled with your meal choices? Or maybe you’ve just always wanted to see food trucks racing around the airport. Whatever your motivation you have to admit, having the Food Truck Brigade service your plane before departure would be pretty cool
When you wish you were an Oscar Meyer Weiner RIGHT NOW, this vehicle can come to the rescue. OK, fine – it’s pretty much no help whatsoever in an emergency. But you have to admit – it would be absolutely hilarious to see this vehicle cruising up and down the runways. If I worked in ATC I’d be dispatching the Wienermobile all the time, just for the fun of it. And look, there’s even a mini version for the GA airport!
Yes, I know that inebriated, unruly passengers have led to a shocking number of diversions in recent years. Dispatching the Emergency Bar in this type of situation is probably the last thing anyone should do. Thankfully, this emergency vehicle isn’t for flight crews or passengers. It’s for ME! And on days when only a brewski will do, there’s also the Emergency Beer Can on wheels.
Disaster Scenario Update
In my last post I discussed the Disaster Drill Briefing for the GA airport that I attended a couple of weeks ago. This year they decided to keep the exact scenario a secret in order to make the experience more realistic. I hypothesized that given the date (the day before Halloween) and the participating agencies (Departments of Health, SWAT), the most appropriate scenario would have to involve zombies. Sadly, I was wrong. Instead the exercise involved a hijacking which somehow also included ricin. I don’t have the full story of how it all unfolded, however if I get any additional details about what happened and how it was handled, I’ll let you know. Brace yourselves – next year’s exercise will be held at the cargo airport and I’ve already told them that I want to participate. I may yet get the chance to fulfill my dream of causing mayhem in a snowplow!